Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconlightoverpowers58: More from LightOverpowers58


Featured in Collections

Literature by TheMateriaMaster

Writings by 12redroses


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
September 3, 2012
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Statistics are temporarily unavailable

×
each toll of the bell signified another hour gone, wasted

away, dashed from the pages of life—lost within its heady

sands b l o w i n g through the desert winds dampened only by

falling tears—splashes of salted water, nourishment for parched

throats stagnant with the aching illness of pain; overwhelming

sensory glands with acute thuds [pulsing throbs] against flaking

skin, cracking under the scorching sun—beaming rays catching

foolhardy thoughts established in heat-induced mania, time

slowly passing by while trudging steps searched for the way out of

the forest—refusing to admit the only way out was the same thing

that made tears fall, ever closer to the ground…until…eyes close,

fluttering shut with tired strokes—tears leaking for one last time;

desert sands, inescapable heat taking the life of yet another whose

bells have finally stopped tolling; another whose tears fall no more.
Inspired by and Written to: Frank Ocean's "There Will Be Tears".

Feedback is appreciated, guideline questions:

:bulletpurple: Does the poem stay on topic? (It seemed to as I wrote it but I knew what train of that I was following, the reader normally catches something completely different.)

:bulletpurple: Is the imagery too vague, what about too strong?

:bulletpurple: What did you manage to glean from the poem? What do you think is happening?

:bulletpurple: Is the length of the poem too long or short? the lines?

:bulletpurple: What do you think of the song? :D

Thank you for reading!

EDIT: Submitted to #Daily-Lit-Deviations's Write and Revise contest.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This gorgeous work was featured here: untamedunwanted.deviantart.com…
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Student Writer
You, m'dear, are an absolutely wonderful person...never let anyone tell you different, not even yourself. :hug:

Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. How should I put it ... it looks like ~shehrozeNCVI talking with me on fb. It seemed to diverge a bit since, while I did get what the tolling bells specified... it did seem to b l o w a bit far.

2. The imagery is strong, not vague yet the long procession of expressions made it hard for me to follow. IF possible, break into two or three major sentences.

3. What I managed to get? well since I was not stressing a lot on the meaning, there was not much that I got... as in I did not grasp a complete idea but I enjoyed the imagery and expressions.

4. Too long lines. Break the poem in a 3 to 5 lines in total. Total length is fine.

5. Haven't heard song :D

While this poem might keep interest for people with the capacity to manage long sentences, it seemed to slip out of my mind.
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Student Writer
I thought I answered this comment a long time ago.....though, I can now say I understand what you mean by it sounds like talking to *shehrozeameen...
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Eh ^^; seems like you were unable to :D no worries! I think I should apologize to the guy :D I mean I bring him up everywhere ^^
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
Haha, nah...that's what friends are for :)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yay :iconsuperheroglompplz:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
1. I think it does, but I'm not entirely certain of the setting, the desert, but then there's a forest, forest of sand maybe? And then I don't quite know how the bells fit in the desert...
2. It makes a lot of sense as a desert, but then you have "trudging steps searched for the way out of the forest"....
3. For me, a person is dying, possibly in the desert, all alone, just wandering until they just can't anymore.
4. I think it's the perfect length =D
5. Will listen to it if you can remind me =D
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
I hadn't even noticed the forest part....I'll change that when I find time, thank you for pointing that out! Oh, the bells signified time which in turn lead to life, life is represented by the desert.

Thank you for the feedback! (Listen to the song, the link is in the a/c for easy access)
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
Okay =D
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH makes sense now =D It's just that it's unusual to hear bells toll in the desert ^^;

You're welcome, I shall!
Reply
Add a Comment: