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each toll of the bell signified another hour gone, wasted

away, dashed from the pages of life—lost within its heady

sands b l o w i n g through the desert winds dampened only by

falling tears—splashes of salted water, nourishment for parched

throats stagnant with the aching illness of pain; overwhelming

sensory glands with acute thuds [pulsing throbs] against flaking

skin, cracking under the scorching sun—beaming rays catching

foolhardy thoughts established in heat-induced mania, time

slowly passing by while trudging steps searched for the way out of

the forest—refusing to admit the only way out was the same thing

that made tears fall, ever closer to the ground…until…eyes close,

fluttering shut with tired strokes—tears leaking for one last time;

desert sands, inescapable heat taking the life of yet another whose

bells have finally stopped tolling; another whose tears fall no more.
Inspired by and Written to: Frank Ocean's "There Will Be Tears".

Feedback is appreciated, guideline questions:

:bulletpurple: Does the poem stay on topic? (It seemed to as I wrote it but I knew what train of that I was following, the reader normally catches something completely different.)

:bulletpurple: Is the imagery too vague, what about too strong?

:bulletpurple: What did you manage to glean from the poem? What do you think is happening?

:bulletpurple: Is the length of the poem too long or short? the lines?

:bulletpurple: What do you think of the song? :D

Thank you for reading!

EDIT: Submitted to #Daily-Lit-Deviations's Write and Revise contest.
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:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This gorgeous work was featured here: untamedunwanted.deviantart.com…
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Student Writer
You, m'dear, are an absolutely wonderful person...never let anyone tell you different, not even yourself. :hug:

Thank you :heart:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. How should I put it ... it looks like ~shehrozeNCVI talking with me on fb. It seemed to diverge a bit since, while I did get what the tolling bells specified... it did seem to b l o w a bit far.

2. The imagery is strong, not vague yet the long procession of expressions made it hard for me to follow. IF possible, break into two or three major sentences.

3. What I managed to get? well since I was not stressing a lot on the meaning, there was not much that I got... as in I did not grasp a complete idea but I enjoyed the imagery and expressions.

4. Too long lines. Break the poem in a 3 to 5 lines in total. Total length is fine.

5. Haven't heard song :D

While this poem might keep interest for people with the capacity to manage long sentences, it seemed to slip out of my mind.
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Student Writer
I thought I answered this comment a long time ago.....though, I can now say I understand what you mean by it sounds like talking to *shehrozeameen...
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Eh ^^; seems like you were unable to :D no worries! I think I should apologize to the guy :D I mean I bring him up everywhere ^^
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
Haha, nah...that's what friends are for :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yay :iconsuperheroglompplz:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
1. I think it does, but I'm not entirely certain of the setting, the desert, but then there's a forest, forest of sand maybe? And then I don't quite know how the bells fit in the desert...
2. It makes a lot of sense as a desert, but then you have "trudging steps searched for the way out of the forest"....
3. For me, a person is dying, possibly in the desert, all alone, just wandering until they just can't anymore.
4. I think it's the perfect length =D
5. Will listen to it if you can remind me =D
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
I hadn't even noticed the forest part....I'll change that when I find time, thank you for pointing that out! Oh, the bells signified time which in turn lead to life, life is represented by the desert.

Thank you for the feedback! (Listen to the song, the link is in the a/c for easy access)
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
Okay =D
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH makes sense now =D It's just that it's unusual to hear bells toll in the desert ^^;

You're welcome, I shall!
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Student Writer
=P I know, it's why I used them :)
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
=D I see, I see XD
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
Glad to know!
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Student Writer
=D
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:iconrisingwolve:
RisingWolve Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
1. Does the poem stay on topic?
Yes! Then again, personally I never stay on topic for long so maybe not everyone will find that x3

2. Is the imagery too vague, what about too strong?
There's definitely plenty of it, but it describes well. I find it a bit much sometimes, but there's less in the start then there is in the end. It's odd. I like it that way. :3

3. What did you manage to glean from the poem? What do you think is happening?
At first, I thought it was a writer trying to write, but couldn't and he wasn't making enough money to sustain himself. Then, I thought of someone lost, addicted to god knows what and he's either metaphorically or literally dying in the desert, alone. :/

4. Is the length of the poem too long or short? the lines?
I find it's a bit long for all the metaphors, imagery and similes and all that jazz to be crammed into one space. It's a lot for me to handle, but overall it's a good length. I don't really think you could get the same message into less words anyways.

5. What do you think of the song?
I'm surprised I like it. :o I find it sounds a bit auto-tuned, and/or the quality isn't the best, but I think I could listen to that occasionally. :) I like the start first, it sounds so... incredible.

Anything else:
The word 'blowing' in bold and italics really put me off - of all words, I suppose it would make sense if you wanted to emphasize on how strong the wind was, but it looks so odd against everything else that is not bold or in italics. I find you used a lot of dashes compared to the few commas, semi-colons, etc. It sorta put me off a bit, because I'm not exactly sure how to read it, like if what's before the first dash and after the second are to be connected or anything. Other than that, I find the poem very emotional and strong, that pulled me in at the first lines. I love it! :+favlove:
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you for the comment!

Where do you consider the imagery to be too much? I'm glad you enjoyed the song, I just discovered it not even an hour ago. I was pleasantly surprised since I don't care for Frank Ocean.
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:iconrisingwolve:
RisingWolve Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :D

I'd say it was from 'splashes of salted water' to 'cracking under the scorching sun', the rest is considerably good :)
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Writer
Hm really? I thought you would have said the later phrases...okay, I'll take a look at the section and see what I can do.
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:iconrisingwolve:
RisingWolve Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Alright. :)
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